Greetings from Miami

I am a hardcore road tripper. I love driving long distances and seeing the stuff on the way. Florida is about 1200 miles from St. Louis and I've done the trip before, but I don't recommend that children try this at home. I left at about 1230pm Friday and checked into my hotel at 530pm Saturday.

My goal is to make it to the Florida border without stopping for more than a half-hour at a time. Georgia and Florida are the two longest parts of the trip. You start by driving through Illinois whilst humming about "amber waves of grain" and seeing cows and the occasional car dealership. You'll pass Metropolis, which is proud to advertise that they have a "giant" statue of Superman, and Marion where the major prison facility in Illinois is. Then you cross a spectacular bridge into Kentucky.

Kentucky begins to get hillier and more wooded, and the first sign you're not in Illinois is the stretch of road cut through a hillside where you see diagonal strata of rock that represent millions of years of chronological history. Kentucky is nice, there's a nice rest stop with a lookout over a beautiful lake and you're not in it long enough to get bored.

Then you're welcomed to Tennessee but it's a false start because you veer into another state (I think Georgia) for ten minutes with a huge welcome center, then you're welcomed to Tennessee again. Tennessee is mysterious and slightly mountainous with amazing scenery. You're warned about falling rocks, and climb precipitously up a mountain, then they warn you again about how steep the descent is. There are two "runaway truck" ramps, which is a little disturbing. Everyone should go to Lookout Mountain at least once, and don't worry about finding it, because you'll see about thirty-seven billboards reminding you on the way. There's a cave tour to underground Ruby Falls, and Rock City which starts out kitchy with gnome dioramas but ends at the edge of a cliff where you can see seven states at once.

Then you enter Georgia, which is where you'll never ever be the fastest driver — I'm slow and I go 75 there (the speed limit is 70) and people pass like you're standing still. Atlanta is best seen in the middle of the night when you can drive straight through the middle instead of around the bypass (unlike 270, 475 is a complete loop east and west around the city). It's lit up like Rouge City from the movie A.I. and you whiz around and under buildings — seriously, they have built parking lots over the ten-lane highway and if you're in a group of competetive drivers it's like the Deathstar trench in Star Wars.

After Atlanta, there's not much except some of the largest discount fireworks and fueling stations in the south. Which is a little creepy if you imagine.

After I hit Florida I always park in the first rest stop and pass out for what seems like a couple seconds (this time was three and a half hours) while the sun rises. Then you stumble into the Welcome center and chug your free tiny paper cup of orange juice they give out — it's like communion for fans of Florida.

Whoohoo, you're here, but no you're not. Orlando is about 3 hours away, and Miami is about three more past that. Luckily Florlando is quite used to tourists, and most information is presented in friendly colorful signs with arrows that light up and move and glitter. Just so you know, purple neon is usually code for adult entertainment, and you'll see 24-hour WE BARE ALL cafes advertised on billboards alongside Sea World and Universal Studios.

Advertisement